Dear Glacier National Park, I’m sorry but we are renaming you.

Welcome to Glacier National Park

DISCLAIMER: No Glaciers Present.

 

It would seem that the days are numbered for Glacier National Park, MT.  The climate clock is ticking, and the glaciers are melting, quickly.

Glacier National Park is located in Northwestern Montana, overlapping the Canadian border to the north; becoming Waterton Lakes National Park in Canada.  Together they became the worlds first International Peace Park in 1932.  How cool!

When Glacier was first founded in 1910, the extent of the glaciers had awed the intrepid explorers to such an extent, that the glaciers became its namesake.  Well, with climate change, the glacial population is dropping faster than the number on your speedometer when you see a black-and-white car stopped ahead on the freeway.  Fast.

 Your Grandson: “Hey Grandpa, Why is it called Glacier if there aren’t any glaciers?”

Imagine Salt Lake City, without the lake.

Imagine the Rocky Mountains, without any rocks.

How disturbing.

Oh, the confusion.

Oh, the pandemonium!

This could be detrimental to the survival of the park itself!  We don’t want the National Park Service (NPS) to be accused of false advertising.  Think of the possible lawsuits from confused foreigners who spent $350 dollars on a Greyhound bus all the way from New York city.  This is America after all, and the NPS isn’t exactly a fountain of funds.  God forbid they close the park.

USA Today Front Page: Glacier National Park Closed Due to Numerous Lawsuits.  National Park Service in Turmoil.

I say it’s high-time we start to consider new titles for the park.   We need to make preparations in order to preserve the sanity of our children, and save the NPS from the hypocrisy, and the lawsuits.

Climatologists say that all of the parks glaciers will likely be gone in the next two decades.  We all know how hard it is to make decisions, that’s why  it’s urgent that we start considering new names for our treasured Crown of the Continent and we need to start NOW.

With that being said, I thought I would open the floor for some discussion, starting with a few of my own suggestions:

Option # 1: Ghosts of Glaciers National Park (NP)

Our Grandchildren won’t be coming to the park to see glaciers. They might see cascading waterfalls meandering down the steep slopes, or long glacially carved valleys painted with slender, sharp blue, finger lakes.

Sure, the original glaciers will be gone, but the landscape will not so easily toss them from its long memory.  Wide U-shaped valleys will remain, where football field thick behemoths of ice once frolicked across the landscape at a rate of 10-50 feet per year.   Slowly they sculpted the landscape like patient artists, and tore away rocks like a child and a sand castle.

This new title might give visitors a new vision into landscapes.  I can see the exhibit now, how it will teach about memory and landforms; about how a place can hold a recollection of past events, of past worlds.   In this case, an ancient ice-world leaves its scars.  It can be seen in the sharp arêtes, chilling waters, and wide valleys.

Maybe we can stimulate the imagination of our children; fill them with wonder.  Maybe they will take their new perception of landscapes to other places’  and see the work of ancient oceans in Utah, or violent volcanics in California.

Option # 2: Global Warming Memorial NP

Are you a believer?

No? I’ll forgo shrewd remarks, just skip to Option #3.

Yes? Great! Read on!

If you’re the person who is always arguing with your friends who think that Global Warming  is a bunch of bologne.  Well then, this is your chance to get that I WAS TOTALLY  F**KING RIGHT that you have been waiting for.

I mean, we probably should call it Climate Change Memorial NP to be a little bit more scientifically accurate… but who cares!  This title will ensure to all future visitors that all of us crazy environmentalist wackjobs were totally right, and to make things better, our victory will be forever carved into history in the name of a beautiful park that sees a million visitors a year.  Talk about publicity! Woop! Woop!

Option # 3: Belt Sea Meta-Sedimentary and Lewis Thrust Fault NP

This one might be a shameless plug, but have you actually read the geological history of this place?  Probably not.  Well, it’s a mental eruption cascading from the rocks into your imagination, like a grizzly bear trying to fit through your dog door.

If you’re totally uninterested, skip to Option # 4, otherwise buckle your f**king seatbelt:

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Long before Pangea, Gondwana or the Rocky Mountains there existed a body of water called The Belt Sea, though no one called it that back then because there was no one around to call it anything.  Unless of course the colonies of algae, called Stromatolites, that lived there were actually having conversations that we don’t know about.  

Anyway we’re talking about a body of water that stretched across the center of what we now call “North America”, and existed about 800 million to 1.6 billion years ago.  The earth is about 4.6 billion years old to give you some scale.  Don’t even think about imagining dinosaurs quite yet.

As you might imagine at the bottom of this ocean there was some form of sediment that piled up, like; pieces of dead coral, sand, silt, clay, and/or whatever other junk fell down there.  Over millions of years this layer of stuff got really, really, really thick (like several miles) and eventually it was under so much pressure that it all turned into rock (not all at once…).  Voila! These rocks would later be called Sedimentary rocks by the humans that eventually evolved to live in the area.

 

Now, fast forward to about 150 million years ago, The Belt Sea has long since dried up, the stromatolites evolved into large trees and dinosaurs and all those sedimentary rocks are now sitting underground like a giant layer cake. 

Then, all of a sudden, WHAM!  The giant rock plate that makes up the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (The Pacific Plate and Farallon Plate) collide with the giant hunk of rock that North America sits on (The North American Plate).  Though the collision actually takes place somewhere around where Southern California, Baja, Oregon, and Washington might be, the stress from this collision actually puts so much pressure on the middle of our continent that the Rocky Mountains pop up like a whack-a-mole, and all that sedimentary rock that we’ve been talking about gets totally mangled like an accordion. 

The pressure on the Belt-Sea sedimentary rocks is so great that it actually breaks off a section 300 miles long and  2 miles thick and slides it 30 miles along the surface of the continent!  This is what Geologist call a Thrust Fault, and this one in particular is called the Lewis Overthrust Fault.  You see! Thrust faults are really cool, and  Belt Sea Meta-Sedimentary and Lewis Thrust Fault NP is one of the best regions in the world to see one!  Oh boy!

 

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I know this title might be a bit of a mouthful, but after learning a little bit of the history, wouldn’t it be perfect?

Option # 4:  The Horny Mountains NP

You’ll never see hornier mountains then the ones here in Glacier NP, and contrary to what you might think, it’s not because they really want to make little mountains with other mountains.  It’s because they actually are, well, horny.

Big Hulking Mountain: “Oh, Hey Baby, I love what you’ve done with your arête.”

 

Nearby Beautiful Petite Mountain:  “Why, thank you, you’re too kind.”

When one glacier moves through a valley, it wides it  by carving into the sides, making the walls steep and concave.

When two glaciers scrape along perpenticular sides of the same mountain, those two steep walls meet at a very sharp edge, called an arête.

Now imagine if three or more glaciers carved into different sides of one mountain, the mountain would have three or more aretes and look a bit like a big blocky version of a goats horn.   These stone bachelors are called horns.    The Matterhorn is a perfect example, but there are also numerous horns in what we currently call Glacier National Park.

Your Granddaughter, after learning about arêtes and horns in The Horny Mountains NP: “Thats the Horniest Mountain Range I’ve ever seen…”

Option # 5: Crown of the Continent NP

Alright, this is the more conservative option.  It is probably the most viable , considering its a  well-established nickname, and you can already buy a T-Shirt with this plastered on the front over a mountain sunrise.

It’s simple, poetic, and since it makes no mention of glaciers, it holds no odors of  false advertising.  That way the NPS won’t have any hypocrisy on its resume.

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Well, no matter what we decide to call Glacier National Park, it is loosing its namesake very rapidly.  So, if you want to see any glaciers before they are all gone, you should probably go check them out in the next couple decades, or you might just have to be stuck with seeing a bunch of waterfalls, some Belt Sea meta-sedimentary rocks, a few glacial lakes, or just a bunch of horny mountains.

 

-Oolin-

 

Well? what do you think? I’m just trying to get the conversation started, so if you have any recommendations feel free to leave a comment!  Maybe we can all sit around and argue about it for a couple decades.  Hope you enjoyed the article!  Have a great day!